Yesterday, I professed my love for a beautiful woman over a Facebook status update. I’m the kind of guy who likes to shout things from the rooftop, and I figured a relationship like ours deserved attention. I couldn’t hold back any longer – it was time to share this happy news with the world. And so I wrote,
Mark P. has decided that the lovely and talented Amy Adams will be the next Mrs. Mark P. Our first order of business? Filling our cozy little love nest with red-haired babies.
Predictably, the responses were less than enthusiastic. One person said, “It’s nice living in a fantasy world.” Another wrote, “Ahh, the ramblings of the delusional” while a third suggested that I have “been cooped up in the house for way too long.” Tsk-tsk. My poor friends. I can only surmise that they are all jealous of my budding pseudo-relationship with the gorgeous redhead who first Enchanted me a few years ago playing Giselle, an animated princess who suddenly finds herself living in the live-action real world of New York City. My passion started simmering during Julie & Julia, and seeing her on Tuesday in The Fighter was the knock-out punch that dropped me to the mat, down for the count. No need to count to 10, ref; Cupid’s arrow has found its Mark (ha) and I am head over heels in love.
Oh, I met my Amy earlier than that. She was the “Hot Girl” who tickled Michael Scott‘s fancy on The Office back in 2005, and appeared in a couple more episodes that season. Newsflash, Michael: you didn’t get the girl because she was holding out for me.
Still don’t know why my friends called me delusional, by the way. But I digress.
Let me tell you why my schmoopie – oops, I’ll save the pet names for our romantic evenings in – why Amy is the perfect girl for me. First of all, she’s hot.
……………….aaannnddd that’s reason enough.
OK, not really. She’s hot, sure. When she first appeared onscreen in The Fighter slinging drinks behind the bar dressed in skimpy shorts and a tight little belly-baring shirt, my eyes popped out of my head. Not literally, like a pug’s sometimes do (eww), but metaphorically speaking. Still, it takes more than a great body to have me declare somebody my soulmate.
Amy is sweet and innocent and sexy. All at once. I like that combination of traits in a woman. And she was born in 1974, which makes her five years younger than me. That’s perfect. I like ’em younger, but not scandalously so. She’s an artist, I’m an artist: I’ll love her movies, she’ll love my books, and together we will love each other. We’re a match made in heaven.
One of my Facebook friends said, “Are you over Pam from The Office now?” Which is funny, because Jenna Fischer is very similar to Amy Adams in appearance. They could be sisters. I’ve had a “thing” for Jenna for years now. Apparently I have a “type” – who knew? This could be a sticky situation for me, because – follow along carefully – Amy’s best friend, actress Emily Blunt, is married to John Krasinski, who plays Jim on The Office. Jim, of course, is married to Pam on the show. Talk about your six degrees of separation! There’s a very real chance that I’ll end up escorting Amy to some awards show and we’ll bump into Jenna and, hello, can you say awkward?! And no, the short answer is, I’m not completely over Jenna, either. Maybe I can tip the doorman at the Oscars and arrange to be seated between the two somehow. Or maybe we’ll all end up friends, hanging out at backyard barbecues and sharing a cabin in the Hamptons. Then, it’ll be like the best of both worlds for me.
Another of my Facebook friends (this turned out to be quite a popular post – I think I set a personal record for most comments ever) tried to be a downer by telling me that Amy is engaged to another man and has a baby with him. You know, in the overall scheme of things, when Fate is so clearly telling me we should be together, that’s a minor detail. My response was, “We’ll work those issues out while canoodling on the sofa with our legs entwined.” That’s the thing about women who are sweet+innocent+sexy. They’re big-time canoodlers.
I bet Jenna canoodles, too.
Amy and I have so much in common it’s ridiculous. Her dad was in the military; my dad was in the military. She attended Douglas County High School; I attended Douglas High School. She loves hot sauce, onions and garlic; I love hot sauce, onions, and garlic. She’s playing Janis Joplin in a movie coming out next year; I mentioned Janis Joplin in my blog. She appeared on People magazine’s list of 100 Most Beautiful People In The World in 2008; I am always spotting issues of People magazine while in the checkout line at the grocery store.
It’s uncanny, I know. Clearly ours is a courtship that was destined to be.
She just doesn’t know it yet.
But again, the devil’s in the details…
- “Amy Adams: Fighter Role Made Her Love Boxing (TRAILER VIDEO)” and related posts (sports.rightpundits.com)