4 Reasons Why William Blew It

Apparently there was some big wedding in the news a couple of weeks ago. I wasn’t really following along, for the same reason I’ll never watch Steel Magnolias or gush over The Bachelor: because I’ve got testosterone. It’s the very presence of this hormone that compels me to offer a few choice words to the future kind of England:

William, you chose the wrong girl.

Sure, Kate’s pretty. I have no doubt she’s a swell gal and will make a fine queen. But her biggest downside? She’s not Pippa.

Up until a few days ago, I had no idea who this “Pippa” that I kept hearing about even was. I assumed at first, it turns out erroneously, that the entire internet was suddenly interested in either:

  1. An ingredient used to season food,
  2. A Swedish girl with pigtails who is featured in a series of books and movies,
  3. One-half of a female rap duo best known for songs like “Push It” and “Let’s Talk About Sex.”

Turns out it was none of the above, but rather, Kate Middleton’s younger sister, Pippa. Once I figured this out, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to do a little research on Pippa. Before long, it became clear to me that Prince William had made a huge mistake.

Allow me to state my case, and offer up the following as evidence.

Pippa is an environmentalist who cares deeply about the earth's diminishing natural resources. Witness the dress handcrafted from 100% natural and biodegradable toilet paper, and the liquor bottle made from environmentally-friendly glass rather than plastic.
Pippa draws attention to the issue of global warming by demonstrating the consequences of a planet plagued by greenhouse gases: a warming climate will spell the end of clothing as we know it! "Stop carbon monoxide emissions!" this daring topless photo screams. Our young princess-in-law even enlisted the help of another individual to spread her message.
Here, Pippa bares her soul - and body - to warn us all about the dangers of overexposure to the sun. Bravely putting herself in harm's way to demonstrate how unglamorous a taut, tan and nubile young female body is, the world's second most famous Middleton tirelessly continues her crusade while quickly becoming a worldwide role model.
That booty. 'Nuff said.

Published by Mark Petruska

I'm a professional writer and editor living my best life in south central Wisconsin.

22 thoughts on “4 Reasons Why William Blew It

    1. LOL…I know. I think it was actually thanks to you that I first became aware of her. I saw that you liked “Pippa Middleton’s Arse” on Facebook and that piqued my curiosity!


  1. I’m with somethingsinful! But hey, I went through an entire teenager-hood without realizing how hot European soccer players are, so it all works out.

    As for Miss Pippa, I didn’t think that “taut” and “nubile” go in the same sentence, but there you go! 🙂


    1. I love when women admit stuff like this. If I were female, I’d appreciate her ass, too!

      And sure, “taut” (tight) and “nubile” (young) go together like peas and carrots. 🙂


  2. “Witness the dress handcrafted from 100% natural and biodegradable toilet paper, and the liquor bottle made from environmentally-friendly glass rather than plastic.”

    Bwhahahaahahahahahahaha! OMG, I just spewed my morning coffee while reading that. You KILL ME, man!

    And I have to say…..nice booty!


    1. I hope you weren’t drinking your morning coffee anywhere near your keyboard, Ron. I’m not working right now, so I’d hate to receive a bill for a replacement computer.


  3. Her arse is my screensaver. Well….it toggles between that and Cristiano Ronaldo (as you know is my future husband).


  4. Mark–
    funny post…although, I feel bad for her–in that…now her life is on display for all the world? Because her sister chose to marry a royal? Not fair.

    She is adorable. I hope she sticks to being herself.



  5. I’m telling Amy Adams on you! There goes any chances for an engagement with your beloved redhead, Mark!


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