Farewell Bachelorhood: How to Tell You’re Living With a Female

Tara and I have been living together for a full week now, and it has been wonderful. We’ve been sore from using a lot of muscles that don’t normally get a workout (from all the lifting and moving and unpacking – get your minds out of the gutter already!), but also subscribe to the adage that all work and no play is for the birds, so we’ve taken some time out to do fun things, too.

Minds back in the gutter.

Actually, I was referring to our trip to Seattle last week. We drove up on Wednesday to visit with Tara’s family. Stayed a couple of nights, met her newborn nephew Anthony, celebrated a couple of birthdays, and drove to Kerry Park to capture this fantastic shot.

I was bummed because our drive through the Queen Anne neighborhood was impromptu and I didn’t have my camera on me, but fortunately my phone takes pretty good pics. The evening was chilly but the view was worth it!

And then yesterday, with a perfect spring day beckoning us, we drove out to the Columbia River Gorge. Checked out a couple of waterfalls and had a picnic lunch at the Vista House at Crown Point, soaking up sunshine and 70-degree weather. It doesn’t get more perfect than that (though the margaritas and chicken chimichangas we had for dinner that night certainly gave the rest of the day a run for its money).

Holy cow, what's with all these shoes?!

So, all in all, I’m digging this whole living-with-a-female thing. It’s funny, though –  there are some definite signs that a woman is living in the house now, subtle clues scattered here and there that make it apparent that I am no longer a bachelor. I thought I’d point a few of these out for any guys reading who might not realize they are living with a girl. Not sure how they wouldn’t know that, but work with me here, people.

Five Signs You’re Living With a Female

  1. Your house smells nice. I’m not saying my place reeked of musk and cigars and motor oil, but it’s definitely got a more pleasing aroma now (as opposed to having no discernible scent). There are things like Scentsy warmers and reed diffusers and Glade plug-in thingamajigs scattered about the place instead of haphazardly strewn socks. It’s nice to step inside the door and be greeted with the smell of pumpkin or vanilla or lavender for a change.
  2. There are about fifty pairs of shoes filling your closets. I don’t know what it is about women and shoes. They’ve got the same number of feet as we men do – two at last count – and yet, they have shoes for every conceivable occasion. Me? I’ve got a pair of tennis shoes, a pair of hiking boots, and sandals. Tara? She’s got multiple pairs of tennis shoes and dress shoes and hiking shoes and slippers and – get this – five pairs of flip-flops. 5 pairs? Does she need one for each day of the week?? “They’re for different outfits,” she says. I tried not to roll my eyes. I swear I did.
  3. You will learn the true meaning of the word “clean.” I’ve always considered myself a fairly neat person. “Haphazardly strewn socks” was a joke, because I’m pretty anal about picking things up and keeping the place organized. I thought I kept a clean house…until I met Tara. Did you know, for instance, that the knobs on your stove pop off, and that you are supposed to clean behind them?! Neither did I. And apparently, sheets shouldn’t stay on the bed for more than a week and towels should be washed on a regular basis. And the kitchen counters get wiped down after every meal. I’m not even allowed to wash the dishes anymore because I missed one little spot on a pan one time! 
  4. You’ll have less shower space thanks to the gazillion and one bath products stacked up in there. When I was on my own, I had a bottle of shampoo, a bar of soap, and some body wash for special occasions. That’s it. I took inventory of my shower the other day and was amazed to find no fewer than ten bottles of various products in there. We had to get a bigger rack to hang around the shower head just to fit them all! There are lotions and gels and daily washes and moisturizers and creams and god-knows-what-else. I told Tara they make shampoo+conditioner in one convenient bottle and she scoffed at me. I do have to admit, she smells really good, though.
  5. Your living room will resemble an arboretum. I like plants as much as the next guy. Keeping them alive has always proven to be a challenge, though – which explains the collection of silk plants and fake plastic trees I’d owned. The only thing better than “low maintenance” is “no maintenance,” that’s always been my motto! Yet suddenly the house is full of green shrubbery that requires things like water and sunlight, and the artificial ficus has taken up residence in the dumpster. It’s like living in a jungle – I half expect to see parrots flitting by and monkeys swinging from the chandelier.

Don’t get me wrong – I love Tara, and am enjoying the feeling of domestication very much. She has made me a better person, and filled my life with happiness! And lots and lots of shoes, but whatever.

In the interest of fairness, she has promised a rebuttal post on her blog later this week. Stay tuned!


Published by Mark Petruska

I'm a professional writer and editor living my best life in south central Wisconsin.

27 thoughts on “Farewell Bachelorhood: How to Tell You’re Living With a Female

  1. Pretty sure I won’t be able to wait that long to post that rebuttal. And I’ll try to refrain from putting it here. 😉

    This has been a learning experience for both of us, and even thought it’s only been a week, I’m enjoying it very much. I can’t wait until all the unpacking and organizing is done so we can finally kick back and relax a little!


    1. I know! I thought by now the house would be spotlessly clean and our only concern would be, vodka or tequila. We’re getting there, though! And whatever you do in your rebuttal, don’t mention the upside-down batteries in your remote control. I’d never live that down.


  2. “but also subscribe to the adage that all work and no play is for the birds, so we’ve taken some time out to do fun things, too.”


    You GO, you two!!!!

    I was dying read your next post because I knew it would have to do with your cohabitation. And I also knew it would be a positive one! I’m so tickled with you two moving in with one another because I’m such a romantic, therefore I’m happy and excited for you both.

    It’s funny because even though I live alone, if I were to ever have a roommate it would have to be a female. And the reason being is that all the things you listed above (with the exception of the plethora of shoes) is me to a T. I’m such a Tom Girl!

    Now, as far as the shoes go ( and I know this because I have so many female friends), that shoes are to a women like a TV remote is to a man….they need them to CHANGE. HA!

    GREAT photo, Mark! Stunning capture!


    1. Oh, I couldn’t live with another guy as a roommate, either. I’ve always gotten along better with women anyway. I guess that just means I’m in touch with my feminine side? Or a real perv.



    1. “The needle thing” at sunset would surely be spectacular. But that salmon must have cost you a fortune – checked out the menu a few years ago and the cheeseburger cost $20. Ouch.


  3. Oh, oh, oh…so much I could say here but I’m not going to. I happen to be much like both of you. I maybe have 5 pairs of shoes. I don’t do real plants anymore, I do know about all the ‘clean’ stuff. After all, she got some of it from me. I do have several different bath items besides just soap and shampoo. Us women have to take care of ourselves in different ways. Plain old shampoo and soap just don’t hack it anymore.

    I truly enjoyed your visit up here and I can’t wait to see you guys again. Enjoy getting more used to living together. It really is a blessing.


    1. I’ve used your guest bath many times now, Tracy. You do have more things in your shower than I had in mine – but fewer than your daughter has. I guess you’ve found that happy medium!

      I always enjoy visiting up there (though it would be nice to actually WIN when we play cards sometime – dare to dream, Petruska!).


  4. I can’t wait to read Tara’s rebuttle. Heee!

    But seriously, women need shoes. Lots of them. For multiple occasions. I will admit though, Shawn gives me a run for my money in the shoe department. True about the shower though!

    And good lord, I love that photo of Seattle. Queen Anne has some of the best places to get fantastic views of the skyline. Has some fantastic food too. 🙂

    Glad you’re adjusting to the co-habitation!


    1. I am scared of Tara’s rebuttal, lol.

      I remarked to Tara the other night that Queen Anne is to Seattle what Hawthorne is to Portland, only on a much larger scale. I love that part of town and someday we’ll have to spend an afternoon walking around there.


  5. Cracking up about the whole female definition of clean. Tom learned that the hard way. I won’t go into details but there was a swiffer thrown, bleach, and more bleach 🙂 So happy that you two are SO happy!


  6. That is a really nice shot of Seattle at night!
    And it’s extremely interesting to see you talking to each other on your blog….together everywhere, evidently.


    1. We were debating doing another tag team post for this one, until Tara developed a mischievous glint in her eye and promised to “seek revenge” in a post of her own.

      Hmm. I’m a little scared, I’ll admit it…


  7. I’m LMAO in the coffee shop right now! People are staring.
    Ok, rebuttal:
    1. Your house will smell much nicer, but if you want it to stay that way Reason # 3 is crucial!
    2. As a sales manager for a women’s shoes department, I can expertly say that Tara needs 5 pairs of flip flops to wear with different outfits. Sure you can wear one dress 5 different ways, but it’s the accessories that make or break the look! Perhaps your closet is in need of some new life?!
    3. The knobs on the stove do come off, and guess what else? The glass tray in the microwave comes out too!
    4. All of us have our zen moments in daily routines. Like Tara, I love showering. I rely on different scents and products to begin my day in a “happy place.” Lots of yummy scents means a happy lady in your home! Always lavish her with treats like that! Who knows, she may invite you to join her… 😉
    5. Plants in the house are ok, as long as she doesn’t start naming them all and talking to them in a high squeaky voice. If that happens, run! LOL


  8. I see nothing wrong with any of the above. 5 pairs of flip-flops, is COMPLETELY normal, and a NECESSITY, you have to have multiple colors, to match all your Summer gear. I am not even going to comment on any of the cleaning post, because I am going to pretend you knew to wash down all your counters after EACH meal and to clean your sheets and towels regularly. You guys are lucky to have us!!


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