Circus Monkey With Guitar

Occasionally I like to check out the stats for my blog. No big surprise; most of us do that from time to time. I especially enjoy looking at the search terms – the words and phrases people have typed in to Google (or their search engine of choice) that ended up directing them to my blog. Some are funny, some strange, and a few downright frightening.

By far the most popular word that gets people here is popcorn. All because I wrote a post about how difficult it was to make stovetop popcorn, and included a popular Google image that now directs people to my site. (It’s not really hard to make stovetop popcorn, but at the time I was a virgin. You might say my kernel hadn’t yet been popped).

Other very popular search terms are Pippa Middleton’s feet (for the fetishists of the world who have a keen interest in British royalty) and Piper Perabo’s feet (for those who really liked Coyote Ugly). Why I was writing about their feet in the first place now eludes me, though I can’t say it really surprises me. I also get a lot of hits for people searching for lava lamps and Keurig coffeemakers and washing machines. A bunch of people have searched for who missed the plane when Buddy Holly died, and that is apropos since it was two years ago today that I was walking through the soybean field where Buddy Holly’s plane crashed. Man, time flies. A lot of people stumble upon me searching for dinosaur ghosts and do you believe in fate and grilled cheese and anything related to belly dancers.

I like the ones that are phrased in the form of a question.

How can I go about trying to hook up with my maid? 
What is that buzzing sound in the summer in my room?
Someone sent me a song goodness gracious me are they hinting?
Why don’t I wait three weeks and tell her I was cleaning out my wallet?
What is the advantage of Scentsy over Glade plug-ins?
Can children touch the Liberty Bell?

I’ll go ahead and answer those, in order.

  1. Forget subtlety. Tell her your crotch needs polishing.
  2. It’s your girlfriend’s vibrator. Or your cell phone. Or crickets.
  3. Yes. Good if that song is “I Wanna Be Your Lover,” not so good if it’s “F*$k You.”
  4. Yeah, I’m sure she’ll buy that, dude… (If you happen to still be reading, please contact me. I’d love to know the story behind this).
  5. Scentsy smells better and lasts longer. Duh.
  6. Not anymore, but they used to. I did.

And then there are the real head scratchers.

My chapati balls are slipping from chefmaster.
Circus monkey with guitar.
Corn dog franchises.
Toothless + Man + Hotel.
Oga oga chewka.

And why were people searching for Mark Petruska former wife and Mark Petruska ex-wife?! Trust me, you don’t wanna go there.

Anyway. Always illuminating and good for a chuckle or two.

What weird search terms do people use to read your blog? And if you found me through a search term and continued to read but don’t normally comment, can you go ahead and say hi, and tell me what you were looking for if you remember? Inquiring minds are dying to know.

Look! It's a circus monkey with guitar! Top of the Google rankings, here I come...
Look! It’s a circus monkey with guitar! Top of the Google rankings, here I come…
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21 thoughts on “Circus Monkey With Guitar

  1. “All because I wrote a post about how difficult it was to make stovetop popcorn.”

    Yup…in fact, I remember that post, Mark!

    OMG….reading the list of searches and then reading your responses was freakin’ HILARIOUS!!!

    “Forget subtlety. Tell her your crotch needs polishing.
    It’s your girlfriend’s vibrator. Or your cell phone. Or crickets.”

    CRACKED ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I haven’t checked my recent Google searches lately, but now since you mentioned it I’m so curious!

    The one I used to get a lot of traffic from was when I used to post about how much I dislike anything “Hello Kitty” And some of the comments I used to get from people who LOVED anything Hello Kitty were lethal. Apparently, the Hello Kitty police are on a lookout for people like me. MEOW!

    Have a faaaaaaaabulous weekend, buddy!

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    1. I’ve ranted a time or two, especially around election season, but for the most part I try not to delve into politics much. I’d much rather talk about monkeys! Not the ones controlling Congress, that is…

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      1. same same. HA! I’m right there with you. Sometimes though, making a point about a topic that’s important to me is worth the bit of politics surrounding it.

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    1. I was wondering the same thing. It’s a little creepy, huh? Who would type in those search terms…and why??

      Looks like you’ll have to watch out for stalkers, too. But I don’t think you’re even close to being “obese.”

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  2. When my blog was just getting started, I spent some time doing random google searches of my own, looking for potential topics to write about and blogs to add to my reader. (I can’t remember what term led me to your blog – probably something about writers.) On the topic front, I searched DEEP into the results for “Minnesota Paranormal.” I came across a brief reference to a cryptid I’d never heard of, that supposedly prowled near my town.

    Ina short, throw-away post at my baby-blog, I speculated on the nature of this obscure, absurd beast.

    Since then, the following terms have been used to get to my blog:
    “linwood wooly beast” = 45 times
    “linwood wooley beast” = 8 times
    “linwood woolly beast” = 8 times
    “woolly beast minnesota” = 3 times
    “linwood wolly beast” = 3 times
    “woolly beast linwood” = 2 times
    “linwood wooly” = 2 times
    “linwood mn paranormal” = 2 times
    “lonwood wooley beast” = 2 times
    “linwood wooley beast.” = 2 times
    “haunted mn wooly beast” = 1 time
    “the linwood wooley beast” = 1 time

    That’s 79 searches, if you weren’t keeping count, for a creature that I had never heard of and for which there are no real search results available.

    Now I’ll be taking these stats back to my blog. Thanks for the post idea :D

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    1. I think you found my blog after I posted the entry about the paranormal investigation I went on. Or at least I always assumed that, anyway. All I know is, now I’m going to have to google “Linwood wooly beast.” Which means I’ll probably see you soon over at your blog!

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  3. This is hilarious! You’ve inspired me to check my own search terms. Two stand-outs are “is the cookie monster shy?” (um…I never got that impression?) and “activities adult getting to know myself.” I know this second one refers to a song I wrote with the lyric “getting to know myself again,” but, come on… the “adult activities” bit has a very different implication that what I intended in my song!!

    Thanks for the bit of humor!

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    1. I’ve never thought the Cookie Monster was shy, either. He’s all in your face, trying to steal your cookies. How could he be?! Oscar The Grouch, on the other hand. Always hiding out in his trash can…

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  4. Popcorn? Who would have guessed! My most popular search terms are variations on “good and evil.” Don’t know that I had the really, really crazy ones. I need to take a look! How you and Tara are having a wonderful weekend!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

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  5. I’m new to this blog thing so the best search term I can come up with, also the most disturbiing, is ‘kidnapping Pamela Morris’. Oh, dear. Oh, and ‘fear of being laughed at’. I wonder if I laughed at someone in the past and now they want to kidnap me?! *gets all paranoid and stuff*

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    1. Yikes! Finding that would freak me out. As the late, great Kurt Cobain once said, “Just because you’re paranoid don’t mean they’re not after you.” Watch your back, Ms. Morris…

      Like

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