Ativan in Tijuana, and Other Enticements

I was going through my blog’s spam folder a few days ago, after being notified that comments from one of my readers weren’t showing up. Sure enough, they had somehow incorrectly been flagged as spam. (I should note that I am referring to junk email and not processed lunch meat. And dammit, now I’m hungry). This has happened before. I once had an email from my mom marked as spam because the subject line was “It’s HOT today!” Weird, seeing it in there amongst the Viagra ads and Nigerian scam messages. Which, if correct, would mean I’d be worth approximately $22 million now.

But I digress.

I have to admit, for the most part the WordPress filter is doing its job. There were 189 messages in the spam folder, and 99% of them truly were junk. Not to mention horribly written. To wit:

Delights here. I’m willing to expert ones report. Thanks a lot a great deal of and i am waiting for effect people. Might you be sure to shed us a snail mail?

Umm…what?! I only shed snail mails to close friends and family. There are a lot of nonsensical comments in there. Here’s another.

Amazing! Its in fact remarkable paragraph, I have got much clear idea concerning
from this paragraph.

Wow. Thanks? Some of these people suck you in with what sounds like compliments. At least in a parallel universe where compliments are dished out in mangled English. Such as this one.

I referгed all of my goօd friends to come study this epic blog!
I hɑve never notiϲed a lot information in 1 spot
ahead of! Incredibly eyе-catchinɡ blog!

I almost fell for that one, too. I actually thought it might have been legit, until I saw it was from “find escorts los angeles.” In addition to offering questionable sexual services, the people who spam me also want to sell me a lot of handbags (Michael Kors in particular), prescription drugs (I can buy Ativan in Tijuana!), running shoes, sunglasses, SEO and web services, and funeral services in Dallas (do they know something I don’t?).

This guy seems a tad indecisive, huh?

{I have|I’ve} been {surfing|browsing} online more than {three|3|2|4} hours today, yet I
never found any interesting article like yours. {It’s|It is} pretty worth enough for me.
{In my opinion|Personally|In my view}, if all {webmasters|site
owners|website owners|web owners} and bloggers made good
content as you did, the {internet|net|web} will be {much more|a lot more} useful than
ever before.|
I {couldn’t|could not} {resist|refrain from} commenting.

{Very well|Perfectly|Well|Exceptionally well} written!|
{I will|I’ll} {right away|immediately} {take hold of|grab|clutch|grasp|seize|snatch} your {rss|rss feed} as
I {can not|can’t} {in finding|find|to find} your
{email|e-mail} subscription {link|hyperlink} or {newsletter|e-newsletter} service.
Do {you have|you’ve} any? {Please|Kindly} {allow|permit|let} me {realize|recognize|understand|recognise|know} {so that|in order that} I {may just|may|could} subscribe.

I also don’t know what to make of this guy:

って、をなかった。しい、いカエデの、 9なな,ティンバーランドアウトレット。々はピピハングがし、のをつける、をます、のスプラッシュパッドロード·ストリ

Or this one:

Clarté se réfère à une substance. Pureté chimique et de l’hydratation et de la réflexion globale d’autres facteurs d’importance. Typiquement, une longueur d’onde spécifique de la lumière, la transparence du matériau est représenté par le pourcentage de la transmittance d’un échantillon d’une substance.

If nothing else, my spam folder made for an entertaining read. It’s almost as good as checking out the search terms people use to find the blog.

In other news, the bank finally approved my short sale! I got a notice from them late last week that everything was a go. We are now waiting for the buyers to order an inspection. Once that’s done, my realtor believes the closing will happen fast, since it’s a cash sale and pre-approved. This is all a great relief to me, and yet, a little anti-climactic, given that it’s been nearly a month since we moved out. On the few occasions that I still stop by the townhouse, it just feels cold and barren. This might have something to do with the fact that the heat is off and it’s empty, but still. The only thing left occupying that space is memories; it ceased being a home the moment the moving truck pulled away.

It’s amazing how quickly you adapt to new situations. Tara and I love our new apartment home. It’s cozy and comfortable, and we have been able to work around the minor inconveniences. One bathroom has not been an issue yet. No barbecue grills allowed? No problem, we bought a George Foreman electric grill (the lease only forbids propane and charcoal). Loopholes, baby – gotta love ’em. Perhaps best of all, there are a lot of great places within easy walking distance. A local grocery store that offers fresh produce. The Kaiser clinic where I pick up my prescriptions. Our favorite salad bar buffet restaurant. This past Sunday, we walked to Elmer’s for breakfast…and they have Bloody Marys. That, my friends, is a win/win!

The same applies to Audrey living with us. She has become such a part of our daily lives, it’s weird when she’s gone. She left for a spring break trip to visit family in California with her mom early Wednesday morning, and won’t be back until Sunday afternoon. Which leaves us with 5 nights of freedom total, since her mom picked her up on Tuesday. We have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, it’s great to have a break and not have to worry about wearing a bra all the time. And Tara can go without, too! But at the same time, we miss her. She is funny and smart and open with us. Last week, we had a deep discussion about life and death and religion. And, she can bust out a “that’s what she said” that will catch us off guard and leave us in stitches. She’s a good kid.

Off to make myself a Spamburger now!

You're drooling now, aren't you?
You’re drooling now, aren’t you?


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Published by Mark Petruska

I'm a professional writer and editor living my best life in south central Wisconsin.

15 thoughts on “Ativan in Tijuana, and Other Enticements

  1. I’m glad my messages are going through again. My mind is boggled by the fact that all this spam means that there must be a multitude of gullible fools out there. Sad.


    1. I guess even if only 1% of people who get those messages fall for them, they’ll still have a pretty good return on investment. It’s very sad. Glad your comments aren’t ending up in the slush pile any more!


  2. SPAM is invariably a hoot–especially the poor English and vague, but sweeping, praise.

    Glad to know you all are settling in and that short sale is going through. Congratulations to both of you–and to Audrey, as well.

    Hugs from Ecuador,


    1. Vague but sweeping praise. That sums it up exactly! There were plenty more examples I could have chosen from. I’ll have to remember to stop in and check out the folder any time I need a laugh.


  3. “I have to admit, for the most part the WordPress filter is doing its job.”

    Yes it does, Mark, because I used to have a blog on WordPress and it caught A LOT of spam.

    “Delights here. I’m willing to expert ones report. Thanks a lot a great deal of and i am waiting for effect people. Might you be sure to shed us a snail mail?”

    HAHAHAHAHA! OMG..that gave me headache just reading it!

    So glad to hear that you, Tara, and Audrey are settling into your new casa. And I’m also glad to hear about the closing on your other place. Yahooooooo!


    1. How’s the Blogger spam folder, Ron? I’ll bet it catches tons of stuff, too. BTW, if you glance to the right, there’s an Instagram photo of a crow in a cemetery. Made me think of you, and Renae Rude – my two crow-loving blog buddies. Have a great day!


  4. I’ve had some crazy blog comments as well, but none that like indecisive one! LOL. That was hilarious. I like the increasing list of numbers as to how long someone has been perusing or {surfing/browsing} your site.

    And no, I am not drooling for a spam burger.


    1. If I talked like that, I’d have to change my catchphrase (that you created) to “But have you {tried|sampled|tasted|consumed|noshed on} geoduck?” And let’s face it, that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.


  5. Congrats on the short sale being approved! Walking to get fresh produce… oh my gosh, that would be a dream. I walked about a quarter mile to the kids’ school, but had to call hubby to pick me up. That one foot in front of the other thing, uphill, in 99 degree heat, I have trouble with.


  6. I now and the look at the Spam before deleting it, just in case you know. My favorite is the one that asks if all my other readers / commenters are braindead. Somehow, that one sometimes doesn’t make it to Spam, but instead just lands in Moderation. Wow, everyone is braindead but you, really?

    Glad you are settling in! George Foreman grills are the bomb, you inspire me to replace mine which finally died last year.


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