It’s Sriracha in my pocket.
I don’t know – is it weird to carry around a portable bottle of hot sauce in your pants? Conventional wisdom would probably indicate so. Fortunately, I never pay attention to the so-called arbiters of what is, or is not, considered normal behavior.
When I whipped it out at lunchtime yesterday, it drew more than a few stares from my coworkers. And yes, I realize how naughty that sounds.
Why do you think I said it?!
(Still diggin’ the interrobang, as you will observe).
But hear me out. I’m a guy who enjoys a little spice in his life. Literally. When I saw a Groupon for the Sriracha2Go, I could not resist. It cost a mere $10 for a three-pack. Granted, the bottles are shipped empty, but Sriracha is cheap enough. Plus, I already had some in my pantry anyway. The nice thing about Sriracha – any hot sauce, for that matter – is that it does not need to be refrigerated. Few people seem to know this. I read it somewhere years ago, and have kept my Tabasco, Cholula, Valentina, Tapatio, and Frank’s Red Hot at room temperature ever since. Lest you think I’m making this up, I’m not. The same applies to other condiments, as well.
But for god’s sake, please don’t leave your mayo out on the counter. Common sense, people!
Now, I do refrigerate ketchup and mustard, but that’s only because I don’t use them nearly as often. Hot sauce, on the other hand? I put that shit on everything, to quote a popular slogan. I was adding the Sriracha to my lunch wrap ’cause I like to kick it up a notch. If you’re worried about the bottle leaking, you can put those fears to rest, my friend. I’ve been using them for months now and have never had a problem. And while Sriracha is my go-to, I have a green chili verde in one of the bottles and Tabasco in the third. The bottles may have Sriracha branding, but it’s not like I’m going to get pulled over by the Sriracha police and arrested for fraud.
Maybe my coworkers think I’m weird. I don’t know. But they’re not the only ones to witness my surreptitious Sriracha consumption. My mom pitched a fit when I squeezed some onto my plate of homemade stuffed cabbage rolls, calling the act a desecration of a sacred family recipe and threatening to put me up for adoption. I think she forgot that particular ship sailed a good 35 years ago, but point taken. I’ve also used it in restaurants and bars. I figure, there’s no shame in doctoring up food to your liking, right? I’m all about the slow burn.
How ’bout you?